It's currently 1:00am
I'm finding it hard to sleep because my emotions are all over the place..
I just finished watching "Just Us Girls," series on YouTube, and my mental health is messed up. It's a beautifully written storyline; it has this pretty exciting plot that gave me PTSD and made me think a lot about love, and I thought to share my feelings with you.
If you haven't seen the series, please do, because I'm not going into details about what the series is about now. But trust me when I say I can relate to the storyline, mostly Ameh and Ife's characters.
Today I will be talking about how I was an ife, which really broke me.
So Ife is not a little girl like she claims; she's a 16-year-old girl, and she's in love with her daddy's agemate, ``Uncle Jay''. Ife was crushing, then she fell in love. One thing led to another, and they almost kissed. I love how Jay didn't take advantage of her as a little girl. I also understand that hormones are acting up; not so little girl wants to eat something that will choke her. Sha go and watch the series on YouTube.
You see, I couldn't help but think about my journey with love. A man I loved had hurt me badly. I was shattered and broken. My story with Ife character is quite similar, so here is the gist.
I met this cute guy, very attractive, dark with beards—my kind of guy. I saw him, and I imagined a lot of things with him. I pictured him as my man, and I eventually got his number. We started talking, became friends, got to know each other, and somewhere in between, I fell in love with him. What started as just friends progressed into something more. Not a relationship, not us dating, not even a friends-with-benefits agreement, because that is a defined relationship. Just something in between. A romantic limbo.
Let's call him "Mr. Tee." Tee was 12 years older than I am; I met him in my early 20s.
You see, Tee is a narcissist. He made me feel insecure about my body; he doesn't accept he's at fault; when you bring up conversations, he will twist them and make you feel stupid; whenever I complain, he isn't treating me right; trust Tee to gaslight me and emotionally blackmail me to take the fall. I was always questioning where I stood in his life, like if he really loved me or was just passing time with me. He talks about how he wants to get married to a lady with a big bumbum, so I need to grow mine. If not, I will share food at his wedding. We laughed about it, but as an overthinker, I read meaning in every word and every action.
It went on and on like this for months, yet I ignored the red flags, and something in my head made me feel like I could make it work. “Because feelings are a terrible thing, and attraction is a bastard.”
This reminds me of a video clip I saw from Pastor Iren's Message, talking about loving Guys with beards, my sister if care is not taken, You will "bear" in that relationship. I Beared alot of rubbish because I was in love with his Beards #helpme
It hurts to be in love with someone who isn't yours.
In Ife's case, at least Jay was kind enough to tell her that nothing could work between them. Tee led me on and made me feel like there's something, or maybe I was just telling myself we were building something.
I knew he wasn't the one for me.
Somehow, I think we always know when a person isn't right for us. But our hearts betray our heads.
We were in church one Sunday morning, and it was time for announcements and good news. Our pastor announced an upcoming wedding that will be happening in the church next month, and it was one of our brothers getting married. We were all excited, and the church was filled with joyful noise.
"Bro. Tee will be getting married next month; if he is around, can he please step out for a moment?" said our pastor.
Bro. Tee is getting married, and I'm not the bride. I tried to hold myself from crying in church, but I couldn't wait for service to be over. I had to leave the church because my heart couldn't take it anymore. I was shattered and broken. I cried!
Imagine being served breakfast from the pulpit in church—the humiliation. I can't describe it, but it was painful.
I asked a lot of questions. Where did I go wrong? I loved him with all my heart. I asked if he was seeing someone, he said no. It was just me! So what went wrong, how did he meet this new lady? (I was going mental, cause I wasn't thinking straight at this point).
Remember, a narcissist will always be a narcissist? He blamed me for everything and said I was the reason he left. He didn't give concrete reason why he did what he did, why he led me on and left me. No reason! #fearmen.
You see, on some days, I wonder if my life would be easier. If I were less emotional and more materialistic, If my life would be easier if I loved less and just flirted around, there would be no hard feelings.
I used to be very much into the lovey-dovey stuff, fantasizing about the ideal relationship. Then life decided to send heartbreak my way, leaving me a little shattered. And now, when I think about love, my heart tightens up, memories flood back, and the echoes of terrible words play endlessly. I've grown suspicious, doubting the validity of those adorable love stories. It's a defensive mechanism, you know? I'm protecting my heart from another possible heartbreak, so all I do now is flirt, even though I want to open my heart completely to it. I feel drained and terrified.
I've loved a number of men deeply and watched them break into nothingness, so every time I start talking to someone new, I wonder whether this is the beginning of the end.
"This one too will still end."
I don't like what happens when I'm heartbroken; I get miserable. My entire body feels heavy with the amount of agony I'm experiencing. I feel like I am losing my consciousness, and I cry a lot.
They say time heals all wounds. Time has healed this wound, but I'm traumatized. I believe in love, and I believe I'd love again no matter how many times my heart gets broken, but what I've realized is that I'm still carrying the baggage of every relationship that ended.
When I talk about trauma and carrying baggage into a new relationship, it's like this:
This person (your ex) used to yell at you; in the next relationship, any minor disagreement would make you defensive and ready to bite back with every fiber in your body.
This individual is incredibly calm and gentle with you, but you are always second-guessing his every action, thinking, "He's going to hurt me." "He didn't do this today. That is unlike him. Maybe he's losing interest. "They always do anyway." "He forgot how significant this was to me. Perhaps he isn't right for me anyway. "I should not have opened my heart." "He no longer calls me the pet names he used to. Perhaps he is getting tired of me. Perhaps he is talking to someone else."."
These are ideas that may or may not be running through your mind, even if you believe you have moved on from all that has happened and you are fine. Traumas have an impact on thoughts and subsequent actions, as well as passive-aggressive behaviors used to communicate emotions. You let people in, yet you're traumatized.
I don't know if time truly heals all wounds, including traumas.
The truth is that, deep within my heart, "I am a lover." I need someone to love and have the same feelings reciprocated. I'm at a point in my life when I crave companionship. Not one of these numerous men who is unsure of what they want. I don't want to be alone; I want my forever person. I want to go mushing with someone's son.
I'm a lover. I always discover love again. When I'm in love, my brain hardly functions. I'm not shy when I'm in love. I've told several men that I like them, that I love them, and that I'd love to marry them. And I've received my part of "Yeah, I like you, but not in that way."
No matter how heartbroken I get, I will always find someone else to love. #lovergirl
I'm currently talking to someone new. Just talking. It's probably not going anywhere. But I want it to go somewhere because, like the previous guys I intended to end up with, he is "everything." But, as the feelings get stronger, one thing that nags at the back of my mind is, "What if this one doesn't work out?" Do I have enough strength for another heartbreak?
A part of me recognizes that I have no control over anything and should simply enjoy life to the fullest. love anybody I want. Become heartbroken. Cry on awful days. Rinse, then repeal.
But logic and emotions are not the same thing. I can no longer think from my heart because I am afraid of being wounded. So, when I say no love here, it is out of anxiety. It results from continuously starting something with someone new and letting it end.
There is no love here because I am tired of having my heart broken. There is no love here since the person I love does not love me; they only want to be friends, but I want more than that.
Love will always win, regardless. No matter what, I will find the right person.
Until then, let just vibe #wink
See you next week
Love and light
Your Fayvoritegirl.